OTTAWA – The federal government passed a new law this morning making it legal for any Canadian, of any age, to key anti-lockdown protestors’ cars.
“Obviously vigilante justice and property damage are wrong and we would never want to encourage these actions,” said PM Justin Trudeau. “Except when it involves these douchebags in which case go nuts.”
“If they’re an anti-vaxxer too you can also let the air out of their tires,” he added.
Bill C-25, aka The ‘these fucking guys’ law was passed by unanimous consent, a rarity in Canada’s Parliament. It stipulates that the car belonging to anyone observed screaming about how “lockdowns are against the Constitution,” intentionally coughing in people’s faces or holding anti-lockdown signs that are neither clever nor witty may be subject to keying.
“All I did was aggressively confront people just trying to survive a global pandemic while shouting about how ‘masks are face prisons’, I shouldn’t be forced to deal with this,” said one activist as he ran his hands over several scratches on his 2003 Honda Element.
If keying their cars doesn’t work the government is said to be considering other measures to discourage these people, including wedgies, swirlies, and making them watch a movie with a lot of sex scenes while sitting next to their parents.