WASHINGTON, DC – US President Joe Biden announced his administration is preparing to reduce the American military’s presence in Afghanistan, so that the armed forces can prepare for the nation’s next political quagmire.
“With Bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda diminished, and no other decent scarecrows left in the country, I feel we have completed enough of our impossible mission to pull out of Afghanistan,” Biden told the press. “I am now the fourth United States president to preside over American troop presence in Afghanistan — two Republicans, two Democrats. I will not pass this responsibility on to a fifth. Especially when I am just as capable of creating a totally new clusterfuck with my own personal spin on it.”
When asked what ill-conceived conflict the United States will inevitably start next, Biden assured reporters that the Pentagon has no shortage of messes it can get in. “Even though we can no longer justify our army remaining in the Middle East, there’s still plenty of countries we are planning to attack with no viable exit strategy. We could start something with Bulgaria, or even deploy troops to the ocean – the only biome we haven’t fought an unwinnable conflict in… yet.”
“Heck, we might just declare war against death itself and see where that takes us!”
Some in Washington see Biden’s decision to withdraw as premature. “If we pull out on the anniversary of 9-11, that’s like admitting we were wrong!” said Senator Wendy McCoy. “There’s still a lot of meat on the Middle Eastern bone that could fuel the industrial-military complex for at least three more presidents. Like what about Afghanistan? Have we attacked there yet?”
At press time, Biden was reassuring the press that he would not start enough war until it timed nicely with his reelection campaign.