OTTAWA – Despite years of equalization payments, a new study has found that there is an increasing divide between the have-not and have-idiot-premier provinces.
“The have-nots in our country like Nova Scotia, New Brunswick and Newfoundland all lack vital access to things like skyrocketing covid cases,” said lead researcher Dr. Solomon Rabbior. “While the have-idiot-premier provinces get to enjoy luxury items like lockdowns, crying press conferences and the bleak feeling that this will never end.”
“Now with Jason Kenney being pressured by his right-flank to do even less to stop COVID, it’s a clear case of the rich getting richer.”
Ever since Confederation, Canadians have generally been divided between those in provinces run by total morons and those run by moderately competent people, at least by Premier standards. But with Doug Ford trying to get the police to card everyone on a stroll and Brian Pallister telling teachers to go fuck themselves, it’s become a real source of tension.
“The top 1% of the wealthy control 26% of the wealth in this country, and the top 0.1% of the idiots in Ontario control the entire province right now,” added Rabbior.
The study concludes that unless measures are taken to ‘redistribute idiots’ to the have-not provinces, they may never stand a chance of becoming a have-idiot-premier province themselves.
Of course it wasn’t all bad news. Experts are assuring Canadians that, once COVID is dealt with, they can go back to making fun of the Atlantic Provinces like none of this ever happened.