EDMONTON – Following incoming President Joe Biden’s decision to scrap approvals for the Keystone XL pipeline, Alberta Premier Jason Kenney called Biden to personally thank him for “basically writing every angry speech I’ll give for the next 5 years”.
“Not gonna lie, I really needed this win,” explained a previously-beleaguered Kenney. “Given my utter mismanagement of the vaccine rollout and Alberta’s economy cratering, I really just needed a good old-fashioned external enemy to blame all of my constituents’ woes on.”
“Even better, Joe Biden has literally never heard of me, so it’s not like I’ll actually have to talk to him or stand up to him ever in public,” beamed the newly-enthusiastic Albertan Premier.
With the Premier having invested millions of Albertan dollars in the uncompleted $8 USD pipeline, all despite the incoming Biden Administration clearly signalling their intent to cancel the project on day one, sources report that Kenney was “getting pretty desperate”.
“He looked like a man on Death Row, and just kept muttering ‘2023… 2023…’ over and over again,” explained one staffer, referring to Alberta’s next provincial election. “But as soon as Biden gave him the gift of becoming an all-purpose bad guy to blame all his legislative failures on, Premier Kenney was overjoyed. I think I even saw him do a cartwheel.”
Kenney reportedly offered his staff to send Biden a thank you bouquet of Alberta wild roses, along with a note explaining who Jason Kenny is and where Alberta is located. “When someone hands you a political gift like this, it’s important to show appreciation.”
Kenney added, “But also not show so much appreciation that you get on their radar and suddenly have to answer questions or talk to them in public.”
The Premier then returned to provincial business, outlining a bold “Blame Biden” campaign to address Albertans. This campaign is meant to explain to Albertans how all of the problems they are currently facing, “from unemployment to oil prices to this season of the Bachelor only being okay” are actually the fault of the incoming Biden Administration.
“And Trudeau, probably,” Kenney added, still smiling from ear to ear.
At press time, Premier Kenney has reportedly celebrated Biden taking all the blame for Keystone XL’s cancellation by purchasing 5 more pipelines.