LONDON, ON – Having pursued multiple avenues to acquire additional portions of food, local orphan Gordon Durnin has adopted an English accent in an audacious attempt to get “s’more.”
“S’more,” which in street slang of London, Ontario means “some more food,” is an aspiration for many, who regularly get a single portion of food, or “s’me,” but can only get a second portion (“s’more”) by appealing to government officials, parish beadles, or sympathetic passersby. Durnin’s strategy is founded on a commonly held Canadian belief that English children are cuter and more deserving of extra food.
“It’s a mug’s game, innit?” said Durnin. “Bully! If I gots a wolly for every shilling I been turned up for in the previous fortnight, I’d be the right wolly-king! But e’er since I huffed this brolly brogue, e’ry sandcastle that wobbles by here, sure as my left tit, give it up for the old schooner! I is up to me knees in s’more, I is! Ne’er could I go back to the maple-tongue!”
Durnin’s gambit has got the attention of other orphans who troll for s’more on the city’s streets.
“I was quite skeptical at first” said Winston Carmichael, another orphan and an acquaintance of Durnin. “How can adopting an obnoxious accent lead to s’more? But the results speak for themselves. I’ve been asking people for s’more for months now, to no avail, but I saw Gordon get five s’mores in less than ten minutes, all because of his made up affectation. Call me mister jealousy, I guess.”
Matt Turtledove, a manager of a Food Basics and resident of the neighbourhood where Durnin plies his trade, is amazed by the maturity of the young orphan.
“What is he? Eight?” exclaimed Turtledove. “When I was that age, I didn’t even know there was a place called England, let alone be able to talk like the England-people do. He is very very mature for his age. Mentally.”
When asked what aspiring orphans should do in their quest for s’more, Durnin had the following advice: “So you’s hard up for some smilly-smoretown, hey ginger? Well come downtown to the bolly boggs he’self, he tell you how to s’more up for the wimma! Jus’ smack your letters, turn ‘em twisty tarvy, and soon e’now, ye gots yerself a baggins o’ s’more shilly shallying all over the cobbleswotch! Ne’er ha Gordo Longnuts been so rolly! Tis a sizzen-poof, it is!”
Have a sizzen-poof holidays, Canada.