RED DEER, MB – Local man Marcus Strohn has reported creating an efficient schedule that balances his anxiety over the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic with his anxiety over the creeping global march of political authoritarianism.
“It’s all about balance,” explained Strohn, 32, as he opened his google calendar and typed a new entry labelled ‘Police Militarization Freakout – 12:30pm-1:30pm’.
“I found that my different anxieties were getting in the way of one another. Like I’d realize it’d been 3 days since I’d lain awake til 3am worrying about whether they’re even going to find a vaccine,” said Strohn. “Now that I’m scheduling my anxieties, I know what fear will be keeping me up all night, and on which nights.”
“The answer, of course, is all of the nights,” Strohn added with a chuckle.
Strohn’s meticulous calendar categorizes his two main anxieties into several sub-fears. Under the Authoritarianism heading he carves out time to worry about topics like Trump, Shadowy Oligarchs, Loss Of Online Privacy, and something labelled only as “Robot Tanks”. As for the Pandemic Anxieties, Strohn takes a somewhat less-structured approach.
“COVID news is constantly evolving, and I need the flexibility to worry about up-to-date symptoms and infection vectors,” explained Strohn as he entered his 5th consecutive minute of hand washing. “Can you imagine if I kept locked into a rigid Pandemic Worry Schedule? I’d still be worrying about wiping down my groceries instead of chewing all my fingernails stressing out about whether every single person I pass on the street is an asymptomatic carrier!”
Strohn added, “Of course sometimes I get to worry about the government using their COVID failures to further control us. Then I’m able to worry about both categories at the same time, and free up space for more worrying!”
Friends and family of Strohn have admitted to being impressed by his anxiety scheduling results. “It’s actually sorta impressive,” added Melissa Strohn, Marcus’ sister. “Most of us only manage to get in a couple hours of stressed out doomscrolling a day, but Marcus is up to 13 hours, minimum. You can’t argue with those results. Or the multiple ulcers he’s developed.”
Strohn remains optimistic that, if he keeps to his rigorous anxiety schedule, he should have “no problem” fitting in his Season Affective Disorder. Asked whether he sees himself ever ramping down his anxiety schedule, Strohn remained optimistic.
“I think as long as humanity keeps acting as responsibly as it has been, my schedule’s gonna remain pretty packed.”