OTTAWA – Seeking to put plenty of room between them and the disastrous leadership tenure of Andrew Scheer, the Conservative Party is preparing to anoint as leader Peter MacKay, a man credibly accused of several financial misappropriations and who will be a non-starter in Canada’s second most populous province.
“It’s time to move on,” said Party member Henry Dollanger. “The last thing Conservatives need right now is a leader who voters think will waste public funds on personal benefits like private schools or, to use a random example that I’ll just make up off the top of my head, a military helicopter ride to a fishing trip.”
“And we definitely don’t want someone with a history of making extreme comments that will alienate female voters!” he added in reference to Scheer, and not MacKay, who once called his ex-girlfriend Belinda Stronach a ‘dog’ in the House of Commons.
Conservatives see MacKay as the complete opposite of Andrew Scheer, aside from the financial scandals, disregard for indigenous Canadians, sexist comments, being unelectable in Quebec, and the general ‘something feels kinda off about this guy’ vibe both put out.
“Sure, Peter will be hard pressed to win any seats in Quebec just like Andrew was. But in Andrew’s case that was because his far-right social views alienated the secular, progressive province. In Peter’s case it’ll just be because he never bothered to learn French! Totally different,” clarified Dollanger.
Conservatives are also confident that the Liberals will not be able to run the same playbook they did against Scheer, where they dredged up video after video of him saying or doing things that Canadians disagreed with. With MacKay, who spent nearly a decade in Stephen Harper’s cabinet and was one of the government’s most forceful advocates in the House of Commons, there is probably very little chance of similar footage existing.
For his part MacKay was not ready to declare victory just yet. “We have a lot of work to do. But if we succeed we will put Trudeau on notice that Canadians are tired of his politics. It’s time for a PM who doesn’t come from the Ottawa elite, but a small town in Saskatchewan. I mean Nova Scotia!”