OTTAWA – Responding to increasing concerns over climate change, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau has doubled-down on his strategy of already being deceased by the time the apocalypse fully kicks in.
“Halting climate change just seems like a lot of work,” Trudeau told reporters earlier this week. “So we’ve decided to focus on the environmental issues that really matter to Canadians, like owning multiple vehicles, and consuming large amounts of beef.”
The Prime Minister, who is approaching 50, said climate action was a priority for him until he realized life expectancy for men in Canada is only 78.8.
Trudeau’s 3-part-plan, unveiled earlier this year, will involve him doing pretty much nothing for the next fifteen years, then retreating to an underground bunker once the sun is blocked out by lava hurricanes, and passing away peacefully in his sleep before the bunker’s gourmet bistro runs out of lobster.
Environmentalists rate the plan slightly better than the Conservative strategy of “invest in lava hurricanes”.
Trudeau claims he hasn’t forgotten about the younger generations, announcing a $10 million fund dedicated to euthanizing Millennials before the cannibalism starts.
The action plan was developed over years of rigorous consultations with baby boomers, and includes guidelines on how Canadians can do their part by YOLOing the hell out of the next 10 years, and resources like a list of the top foods that will hasten your death naturally.
The government has also released a plan for reducing drinking water advisories in First Nations communities by simply waiting for the nation’s supply of water to dry up.