SASKATOON – The annual meeting of Canada’s provincial and territorial premiers, The Council of the Federation, starts today and as it’s the first time since 2008 there are no women attending, the all male group is taking the opportunity to conduct these key discussions in a steamy, naked environment.
“I think we’re going to get a lot done since there aren’t any dames to bring up the gender wage gap, the country-wide shortage of quality childcare, or my lack of pants,” said one premier who for some reason didn’t want to be identified by name. “Also, they get all hysterical when I call them dames.”
Each day of the conference will begin with a sausagefest breakfast before the premiers enter the men’s steam room to discuss economic growth and trade relations. Following a quick buffet lunch at a nearby strip club, the premiers will once again enter the steam room for security and immigration discussions. Dinner will be held at a different strip club, then the premiers will retire for the evening after enjoying cigars and brandy.
“I think the all male environment will be more conducive to a successful and fruitful conference,” said another premier who also for some reason wanted to remain unnamed. “It’s not that we can’t work with women, it’s just that it’s easier to reach a consensus when everyone else in the room looks and thinks alike. The steam’s just a bonus.”
“Look, it’s hardly our fault that there are no women here this year and that in most years there are only one or two. What do you want us to do, resign in protest en masse and shame our political parties into choosing successors that more accurately represent the demographics of our country because it’s unconscionable that half of the Canadian population is completely unrepresented at this level of government? Sure, that would fix the problem, but at what cost… to us?”
Not all of the premiers are looking forward to the men’s only atmosphere, with several expressing concern that the testosterone-heavy dialogue could devolve into a towel snapping nightmare where the smaller provinces are at the mercy of the larger ones until the premier of PEI is sacrificed to the gods in a sweaty frenzy of Lord of the Flies-type ritualistic violence. But most political experts say that outcome is unlikely, having only happened twice since the Council of the Federation was established in 2003.
As they gathered in Saskatchewan, the premiers all expressed the hope that this will finally be the year the provinces and territories don’t take advantage of their absence to hold massive parties that always result in them coming home to find at least one national monument covered in puke.