OTTAWA – Canadian airlines are taking the federal government to the highest court in the land in hopes of quashing the recently upheld air passenger bill of rights that punishes airlines financially for not making a distinction between human passengers and inanimate luggage.
“It is now and has always been our position that there is no difference between human cargo and non-human cargo,” a spokesperson for the Canadian Airline Trade Association said. “They are subject to exactly the same laws of gravity and inertia, they use the same amount of fuel per kilo during transport, and they are indistinguishable on a molecular level.”
“We simply ask that the court put aside anthropocentric prejudices and acknowledge this scientific truth.”
The debate between Canadian airlines and the federal government as to whether or not passengers are baggage has been raging since the 1980s, when Air Canada was privatized and immediately tore out all of the seats on their planes. Other airlines followed suit, and soon the government had to step in and mandate that all airlines provide seats, windows, and exactly 250 ml of Clamato for every passenger.
While most air travelers applaud the new passenger bill of rights, there are some who agree with the airlines. “I don’t want to live in a nanny state that tells me whether or not I’m luggage,” said John Simpson, a frequent flyer who applauds the airlines for taking a stand against what he sees as governmental overreach. “That’s for me, and the corporations, to decide.”
“Some of the greatest moments of my life involved my wife waiting for me at the baggage carousel, her face lighting up when she saw me slowly glide towards her on the conveyor belt,” Smith said. “True, there was that one time she accidentally took another man home, but in fairness we looked very similar.”
The airlines have also taken issue with the government mandate that passengers have access to a working bathroom when a plane is stuck on a tarmac, arguing that passengers are always free to wear diapers or simply not consume food or beverages for a week before a flight.