TORONTO – Canada’s fourth-worst person, Conrad Black, is celebrating alone after receiving a pardon from America’s worst individual, their president.
“If being the worst is a crime,” Trump told reporters this morning, “then lock me up. Or try to, because I will pardon myself.”
Trump, who for legal reasons we are choosing not to describe as a human being, issued a full pardon regarding Black’s fraud and obstruction of justice convictions due to his “tremendous contributions to business, history, and being an inspiration to creepy old white men everywhere who like obstructing justice and getting away with it.”
According to White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders “The President’s pardon is certainly not related to the excellent biography Mr. Black wrote about him. It was awarded entirely on the basis of all the excellent National Post articles Mr. Black wrote about him.”
Black is currently ranked fourth on the list of hot-garbage Canadians after Jordan Peterson, Faith Goldy, and the worst half of Elon Musk.
In what she swears is unrelated news, Felicity Huffman has announced a new six-part docudrama on President Trump, coming out this fall.