Amazon Archives - The Beaverton

World leaders pause climate change talks out of respect for the burning Amazon

WORLDWIDE – World leaders are calling for a pause on climate change talks this week, out of respect for the Amazon rainforest which is now almost constantly on fire. “We were almost ready t…

Thousands of losers wait in line for retail stores rather than have everything shipped to them by evil conglomerate

TORONTO – As retail stores opened in Ontario this weekend, thousands of losers, nobodies and morons chose to stand in line to buy items from retail stores instead of just ordering everythin…

Jeff Bezos to step down in five to ten days, or overnight with Prime

SEATTLE – Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos has announced his intention to step down, with the move taking effect some time in the next five to ten days, with the option for a much speedier…

Canada Post-Punk claims mail’s not dead

REGINA – Despite claims that physical mail has been declining and gone to the wayside the past two decades, a local Canada Post-Punk rebukes the notion, and states that mail’s not dead. “Li…

“My, how you’ve grown,” report nation’s wolves-in-grandma’s clothes

OTTAWA – Across Canada, thousands of wolves-in-grandma’s clothes expressed delight at how much their “grandchildren” have grown since the last time they’ve seen them. “Uh why are my ears so…

“Shop local” posts man who bought book from Indigo instead of Amazon

REGINA – Local man Aidan Waite is encouraging all his friends and family to stay away from Amazon when doing their holiday shopping, and instead support local mom and pop shops like Indigo …

“Just figure it out!” screams Jeff Bezos at underlings after hearing of man who provides overnight shipping worldwide on Christmas Eve

SEATTLE – On the heels of their most successful year yet, Amazon HQ was thrown into chaos this afternoon after CEO Jeff Bezos caught wind of a competitor potentially edging in on holiday profits.…

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