TORONTO – This week dog owner Ben Mazer shocked Bickford dog park by showing up with a dog with a significantly better jacket.
Clad in a simple coat from an army surplus outlet, Mazer seemed unfazed that his small canine was sporting a much more sophisticated Canada Goose Puppy Parka, valued at $450. “I want to make sure Little Jerry is toasty in the cold weather,” said Mazer, hopping up and down to generate warmth. “That parka is 100% goose down. I’m sure he’s sweating under there.”
When asked about his own tattered jacket, Mazer admitted he has owned it for over a decade. “It’s just a jacket, who cares,” said Mazer before adjusting his dog’s tiny earmuffs. “It’s not like I’m a dog or something,” he added, while collecting kindling for a small barrel fire to warm his hands by.
When asked about other luxuries Mazer purchases for Jerry, he stopped adjusting the dog’s Steve Madden booties and thought. “Well, I guess the dog groomers is a bit of a splurge once a month,” Mazer recollected. “But I wouldn’t dare cut my dog’s hair, have you seen the job I do on myself?” The freezing cold man also mentioned delaying his own root canal appointment to afford teeth-whitening for Jerry.
Mazer has plans to buy “Little Jerry” a brand new high-end dog bed in 2019, while he continues to sleep on a hand me down futon. “I can just see him now, dreaming away, comfy and warm, not waking up several times through the night with shooting back pains from a futon mattress. A dog’s life, am I right”
At press time, Mazer justified all of the sacrifices he has made for an animal that was currently sniffing its own backside.
“How’s Jerry going to find a dog girlfriend if he doesn’t dress nice? I’ve been single for years and I’m sure it’s because of my clothes.”