VICTORIA – Proving once again that he’s able to bring premiers to the table and force compromise, Justin Trudeau has put an end to Alberta and B.C.’s pipeline dispute by personally bludgeoning John Horgan to death with a swivel chair.
“Sunny…ways…” said a panting, sweatstained Trudeau, slamming the bloody swivel chair yet again into the pulverized mess that was, until minutes before, B.C. Premier John Horgan. “Hope and… hard work…”
The incident was triggered after several hours of conversation in which Premier Horgan remained steadfastly against the Trans-Mountain pipeline, and Premier Notley remained steadfastly in favour of beating John Horgan until he stops moving.
“I’m a big believer in open, productive dialogue,” said Trudeau, wiping blood off his forehead with the end of his tie. “Once you’re in a room with someone and they’ve left their security detail outside, it’s amazing what you can get done.”
At press time, Trudeau remained optimistic that he could win over pipeline protesters, as soon as they could be brought to a table light enough for him to pick up and whirl around like a giant fly swat.