VANCOUVER — Following the news that Second Cup will convert some of its coffee shops to marijuana dispensaries, Canadians have resoundingly responded by asking if there’s a Starbucks dispensary they could easily walk to instead.
“That’s really savvy of Second Cup to get in on legalized marijuana,” said office manager Sharon Matthews, 29. “Plus there’s a Second Cup location right in the basement of my office building. But there’s also a Starbucks just two streets over, so I’ll see what they have.”
Upon being informed that Starbucks has no plans whatsoever to sell pot in its Canadian locations, citizens from coast to coast still voiced their intentions to walk the extra distance to the ubiquitous Seattle coffee chain.
“So you’re telling me that I could have my usual pumpkin spice latte and no weed, or I could have weird flavoured coffee and weed,” inquired bricklayer Nigel Jacobs, 37. “I do love to smoke weed a whole lot, but Second Cup’s coffee is just so… you know what I mean.”
Reached for comment, numerous Canadians similarly struggled to define why Second Cup’s coffee and baked goods could not even be made palatable by the presence of legalized recreational cannabis. In a poll, 87% of Canadians described Second Cup’s coffee as “fine”; other descriptors included “serviceable”, “workman-like”, and “perfectly acceptable at like a wake or an AA meeting or something.”
Second Cup has reportedly focus tested other promotional enticements, included foot massages, pony rides, and just giving the weed away for free. In each hypothetical case, Canadians still ultimately chose to walk the extra 5 minutes to their local Starbucks.
“If I got absolutely baked on Second Cup weed first, then I could maybe manage to eat one of their gross loaf things. Maybe,” mused Matthews, before ordering a grande Americano on her phone’s Starbucks app.
In a related story, Tim Hortons reminded Canadians they have sold marijuana available for years now, provided customers speak to the sketchy dude by himself at the table in the back.