TORONTO – After a fractious relationship with her landlord caused her to consult the Ontario Landlord and Tenant Act, local woman Huma Sayeed has decided to ask him for her kidneys back.
“It’s crazy the kind of illegal stuff landlords try and pull,” said Sayeed, absentmindedly scratching at one of the twin scars on her lower back. “Did you know that they’re not supposed to charge a damage deposit?”
Sayeed also mentioned that, confusingly, the Act says nothing about landlords being allowed to harvest the kidneys of their tenants, sell them on the black market, and then leave the tenants in a bathtub full of ice cubes on the side of Highway 7 halfway between Norval and Havelock.
“It’s a letter’s market right now, I guess,” said Sayeed, setting up one of the ‘Millennial Dialysis’ kits her local Dollarama has started selling. “The landlord really had me over a barrel. Mostly because he didn’t have an operating table, I think.”
This is just the latest problem Sayeed has had with her landlord, who also illegally charged her first-and-last, stole her firstborn child, and fuckjerry’d her jokes on Instagram.
“Huma’s landlord is the worst,” said Sayeed’s friend Eric Powers, as his own landlord rode him around the neighbourhood like a pony, shouting ‘Yah! Yah!’ and striking him on the rump with a switch. “Lucky mine’s pretty chill. He only took one of my kidneys.”
At press time, Sayeed had started subletting her apartment to a nice couple with very soft lower backs.