By Local Disk (C:)
The other day I started a spring cleaning project and, oh boy, things have gotten crowded in here. I don’t mean to be petty, but if you could cut back on your downloading, I’d be able to do my job a little better.
Not to complain or anything, but I’m not made of gigs. I have 80. You knew that when you purchased me six years ago.
Now, just to be clear, 80 is a perfectly acceptable amount. And under normal, everyday use, 80 gigs is quite capable of meeting the storage needs of an average user.
But you’re really pushing my limits with all the full-length movies, hi-res images, pirated mp3s, and all the high-def porn you’ve been downloading. You could save a lot of space by deleting some of that filth, especially the stuff you’ve so cleverly hidden in “Kevin’s-old-tax-files”.
Seriously, Kevin, the smut you’re hiding in there makes me sick.
I’ve kept my mouth shut, but something needs to be said. It’s fine to have a fetish, but some of the stuff you’ve found, well, I think it crosses the line.. I mean, I like lasagna as much as a piece of hardware can, but I don’t want to see it smeared over a Venezuelan nun who looks well past her prime. What if your mother saw this stuff? Did you even think of her when you were downloading this porn?
On second thought, I sincerely hope not.
And why not cut the high def? You used to have me on dial-up and that worked just fine. Do you really need to see every dimple, crevice and orifice? Use your imagination a little.
Also, not all of it has to go. I think it’s fine to keep the photos of your ex-girlfriend, the blonde one. But I don’t know what you were thinking with the brunette. I’m more of a “pouty lips” kind of guy. Just saying.
Lastly, the viruses! Oh god, the viruses! Internet Explorer is too shy to say anything, but he’s been complaining to me for months. He’s really been doing his best, but he keeps getting a lot of really disgusting popups, and it’s getting tough for him to play all of the embedded video.
Basically, you should start trimming your collection as soon as possible, because I’m getting fed up with the amount of crap I have to deal with.
I need some personal space.
Now, could we also talk about finding me a partner to share the load? Maybe we could look at some hard drive prices on Best Buy. I’ve had my eyes on a sexy Hitachi model that comes with a sleek carrying case. And yes, let’s make it an external hard drive. I’ve got something good going with the graphics card and I’m only looking for a casual fling on the side for when I get bored.
