Toronto Raptors Archives - The Beaverton

Tag: Toronto Raptors

ESPN returns to ignoring Canada’s existence

BRISTOL, CT – After the departure of NBA Champion and former Toronto Raptor Kawhi Leonard to the LA Clippers, ESPN has resumed the assumption that Canada is a mythical, non-existent land wh…


World in shock after better team wins

TORONTO – In the days after the Toronto Raptors defeated Golden State to win their first NBA championship, sports analysts and fans expressed their disbelief that the Warriors could ever fa…


Update: Fuck hockey

TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …