SASKATOON — This weekend Sutherland neighbourhood residents gathered at Ronald Keegan’s end-of-summer garage sale, only to find that Ronald is far too inclined to inform buyers which items were once treasured keepsakes of his sweet, super dead wife.
“At first I thought it was sweet, he couldn’t help but share stories of her,” commented neighbour, Holly Vandergugten. “But then after five ‘dead wife’ items it’s like, damn, is there anything at this yard sale that won’t make my picture Ronald sitting alone at a kitchen table with two dinner settings?”
The event commemorates Jael Keegan, Ronald’s wife, who passed away several years ago. Ronald plans to donate all profits to a local grief support charity and believes every item for sale is a hot ticket, including Jael’s vintage clothing, her buzzing apiary, and her untouched Epipen.
Several prospective shoppers expressed their initial disappointment in the sale; unexcited by the clip-on earrings and broken Magic Bullet blender. Regardless, nearly all the items had been sold by day’s end with many buyers citing Ronald’s salesmanship, exceptional deals, and a sense of suffocating pity.
Despite the overall grim nostalgia, the garage sale has seen a significant amount of foot traffic. “This crystal bowl was only $3 so obviously I’m buying it,” chuckled local Elora Navaro. “Despite the fact that I can’t look at it without being reminded of the inevitable wilting of love and passage of time… but hey, it’ll still hold my keys real good.”
Although most items are under $10, several articles boast much higher ticket prices. Passerby Lynn Foster complained that an unexciting leather-strap watch was exorbitantly appraised at $200. When asked, Ronald explained it was the first gift Jael ever gave him. Lynn, who is currently weeping in her car, paid $500 and is unavailable for comment.
As extensive as Jael’s property may have been, Ronald promises not everything laid out for sale in his driveway used to be owned by his graved-up spouse. “The stuffed animals have nothing to do with Jael!”, he insists. “These belonged to Caroline, my dead daughter.”