BRAMPTON – After months of grueling and complicated experiments and tests, scientists have come to the conclusion that Kyle Smith-Reynolds is a completely awful human being and they hate hi…
Tag: Scientists
Study confirming your life is weird and sad passes peer review
Toronto – A study confirming that you lead a bad and pathetic life has passed peer review: even though this has always been obvious, even to the layperson. “Obviously getting publishe…
Ginger Ale still number one recommended soda for your sore tum tum
TORONTO – After extensive testing in laboratories across the nation, Canada’s leading scientists have reported that due to its high content of fizzie wizzies and unparalleled yum yum factor…
Historians uncover identity of the anus that the planet Uranus is named after
VIENNA – Historians focusing on the development of the study of astronomy have finally uncovered the answer to a mystery that has long puzzled modern scientists: whose anus is the planet Uranus n…
Orchestra scientists discover new superconductor
MONTREAL — McGill University researchers specializing in Orchestral Sciences have announced a newly discovered superconductor with astonishing implications for the future of music. “We now have a…
Scientists discover alternate universe where people listen to them
UNITED KINGDOM — Noted astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson shocked the scientific community on Monday when he announced evidence of an alternate universe in which people actually listen to s…
STUDY: Scientists spend 60% of time figuring out whether they could, 20% thinking if they should
Waterloo, ON – A new study by University of Waterloo psychologists has identified how much time scientists devote to figuring out whether or not they could do something, versus if they should do …
Climate scientists seeking opinion of stupid idiot to complete study
OTTAWA – Scientists are nearing completion on another planet-wide study on climate change, but say they require the opinion of a “real stupid idiot” in order to complete their work. “We’ve …
Trudeau considers re-muzzling scientists after 3 hour conversation about rare seaweed
OTTAWA – PM Justin Trudeau is reconsidering unmuzzling Canada’s scientists after a one-sided conversation about a rare New Zealand seaweed went on for more than 180 minutes. “Listen, I’m tr…
Chinese cyber spies disappointed by Canada’s complete lack of scientific research
BEIJING – Chinese state-sponsored hackers were disappointed after hacking into Canadian government and business research archives and discovering they contained little to no valuable inform…