“Listen, I’m truly, sincerely thankful for your hard work and I cannot wait to see where this research takes you, but this needs to stop,” said Trudeau, interrupting a world-renowned expert in Gelidium longipes research. “I get it. I got it 2 hours ago. It’s seaweed, but it’s slightly less common than the usual seaweed.”
After repealing the Harper government’s policy of scientific censorship, Trudeau may now again force Canada’s federally funded scientists to stop talking about their research that he’s sure is very interesting but is not the only topic of conversation in the world.
“I don’t care. Well, I do care but not right now,” explained Trudeau to the marine botanist. “It’s just that this is a very nice cocktail reception with a lot of very interesting people. I’ll look up your research later. Yes, I know it’s named Gelidium longipes. Trust me, I don’t think I’ll ever forget.”
Trudeau said that while he did decide to let scientists speak freely once again it was not necessarily an invitation to seek him out. In fact, memos sent out to federal scientists earlier this week specifically stated that the new policy comes with the expectation that nobody is going to be a big nerd about it.
“If you’ve got a giant laser or a fish that, I don’t know, speaks fluent French then, yes, please, let’s have a conversation,” said Trudeau. “But to every researcher with an asthmatic mouse or whatever let me be absolutely clear: things can go back to the way they were.”
At press time, the federal government had mandated that all scientists view one new film a week and at least have a passing interest in music.