OTTAWA—Health Canada has released new guidelines emphasizing the importance of consuming no more than 2 alcoholic units per day, but only if you haven’t had more than that, because if you have, t…
Tag: Health Canada
Trudeau gives Health Canada list of mandatory words including: “transgender,” “diversity,” “evidence-based”
OTTAWA – The Trudeau government has sent a memorandum to Health Canada insisting on a list of seven words that must be included in their upcoming budget, including: “entitlement,” “transgen…
Conservative Santa promises bad children will get coal, good ones bitumen
EDMONTON – In a rare public statement on Friday, Conservative Santa announced he would be replacing the traditional stocking stuffers of candy canes and mini-snickers with more family-frien…
Health Canada tightens food safety regulations by changing 5 second rule to 3 seconds
OTTAWA – Health Canada and the Canadian Food Inspection Agency are changing their food safety regulations and guidelines on eating something that fell on the floor. “When it comes to consum…
New Canada Food Guide asks, ‘You really gonna eat that?’
OTTAWA – Canada’s Food Guide is getting a complete overhaul, revamping the ten-year-old publication to deliver a clear nutritional message: “You’re doing it wrong.” The new Food Guide will …
McDonald’s unveils all-day breakfast in Canada to stress-test healthcare system
TORONTO – McDonald’s Canada announced today that it will begin serving all-day breakfast in order to stress-test the country’s socialized healthcare system. The menu will feature a selectio…
Health Canada concerned about possible outbreak of white men wearing shorts in winter
White guys wearing shorts in winter, is it an epidemic? Catch this week’s new episode of The Beaverton at 10pm EST, Wednesday on The Comedy Network.…
Health Canada to crack down on vaping in order to stop nation from looking lame
OTTAWA – The federal government plans to regulate the sale and consumption of e-cigarettes in order to stop Canadians from looking like a bunch of assholes all the time. “There are simply t…
For first time, Tim Hortons releases line of products low in radium
MISSISSAUGA, ON – Breaking with tradition after more than half a century, Tim Hortons has released a line of products containing only a pretty good amount of radium. “Today’s co…
Health Canada allows gay men to donate blood so long as they go straight for a year
OTTAWA – Minister of Health Jane Philpott has announced that the federal government will be lifting the restriction on gay men’s blood donation so long as they have been heterosexual for th…