EDMONTON – In a rare public statement on Friday, Conservative Santa announced he would be replacing the traditional stocking stuffers of candy canes and mini-snickers with more family-friendly options such as Alberta bitumen and clippings from the opinion section of the Calgary Herald.
From his headquarters at the Conservative North Pole in Edmonton, Alberta, Conservative Santa took a break from criticizing NDP Santa and wrapping toys for white children to address sweeping changes to his gift policies.
“I’m tired of getting letters asking for gender-confused dolls and job-killing Star Wars action figures,” he told the assembled media. “Elmos and BB8s have been making our children soft for years. It’s time we give kids what they really want for Christmas — a traditional national identity driven by free-market thinking and an irrational fear of immigrants.”
The announcement was lauded by right-leaning groups such as the Fraser Institute and the Canadian Association of Petroleum Producers, both of whom have backed Conservative Santa’s recent proposal to bypass Vancouver’s pipeline embargo by transporting dirty oil in toy trains.
“It’s about time time we ended stocking entitlements,” said Conservative Santa’s Public Relations Elf Andrew Scheer. “The Liberals want to give children windmills and solar panels, which don’t even fit under a tree. Have you ever tried touching the sun? It burns. Why does Justin Trudeau want to set our kids on fire?”
Despite warnings from Health Canada on the toxic nature of bitumen and anything published in the Calgary Herald, Conservative Santa has pledged to go ahead with his new stocking program immediately.
“Bad children will still get coal,” he added, “but they can trade it in for tax credits if they convert it to clean coal by pointing at it and saying “it’s clean!”, which lets them play pretend-energy just like the big boys do.”