OTTAWA – The federal government plans to regulate the sale and consumption of e-cigarettes in order to stop Canadians from looking like a bunch of assholes all the time.
“There are simply too many risks associated with vaping for us to let it continue unchecked,” said spokeswoman Katrina Demercier. “Research suggests it may cause numerous cancers, emphysema, and a terrible case of coming off like the biggest douchebag on Douchebag Island.”
“Vaping also has the potential of lowering Canada’s birth rate due to ‘unfuckability,’” she added.
Bureaucrats pointed in particular to the need to keep these products out of the hands of Canada’s youth, in order to avoid them growing up to be the guy at the party who vapes and then won’t shut up about the screenplay he wants to write.
“If we don’t get on this now, our country could be looking at an epidemic of people we all just want to punch in their stupid faces,” said Health Minister Jane Philpott.
Regulations will include warning labels reminding people they are not, and never will be, James Dean and banning vaping within 5 metres of any building, thus creating an asshat free zone.
Health Canada is also developing plans for a complete ban on people wearing shutter shades.