MANHATTAN — Oral hygiene giant Colgate-Palmolive has announced a new line of sensitivity-increasing toothpastes designed to cater to the needs of fucked-up little pain goblins everywhere. Colgate…
Tag: Featured Post
“If gas prices are hurting your wallet so bad, why don’t you just buy a $45,000.00 electric car?” asks very helpful friend
Timmins, ON – After you mentioned how gas prices were making it impossible for you to get by financially, your very helpful and knowledgeable friend Darren suggested buying an expensive ele…
Pervert time traveller reports that your grandpa was hung
OTTAWA – A time traveller from the 25th century has reported that your grandfather packed some serious equipment and knew just how to use it. “I’m sure you only thought of your grandpa as a dodde…
Toronto police ask for budget increase to more equitably beat up residents
TORONTO – Following newly revealed statistics proving that Toronto Police Services uses force against BIPOC residents far more often than it does white ones, Chief James Ramer has asked the…
Report: Team that lost in 7 to Stanley Cup finalist must be blown up, team that lost in 4 to other finalist in great shape
DENVER – As the Stanley Cup Finals kicks off in Denver hockey experts agree that the Edmonton Oilers, who were swept by the finalist Avs, are ready to make a great run next year while the T…
Local gay finally able to cross the street after town paints rainbow crosswalk
JUBILEE, ONT. — After years of only being able to walk on the north side of Main Street, noted homosexual Robert Huxley is at long last able to see what the other side of the road is like. “I wa…
Rogers family commemorates loss of matriarch with 3 day long service outage
TORONTO – Following the passing of family matriarch and telecom director Loretta Rogers, at age 83, Rogers Communications announced today they will be honouring her memory with a 3 day long…
Every garage sale in neighbourhood full of lightly used podcasting equipment
EDMONTON – According to local sources in an Edmonton suburb, every garage sale being held this year has contained piles of near mint condition podcasting equipment. “I’ve been hoping to score som…
Right-Wingers confident they have finally found the twitter hashtag that gets Trudeau to resign
OTTAWA – Right-wingers across the country are confident that, despite all previous 8,327 trending twitter hashtags failing to convince Justin Trudeau to resign, this next one will be the on…
Half-hearted audience response kills Tinkerbell
NIAGARA-ON-THE-LAKE, ONT. — A production of Peter Pan at the Shaw and Stratford Festival took an unexpected turn when the audience’s half-hearted applause failed to save the imperiled life of Tin…
