“As journalists we’ve been taught to question everything and always try to seek independent confirmation,” said Nancy Wolfowtiz, 21. “So I’m excited to hear how none of that applies to statements by police officers.”
“After this seminar I’ll hopefully be ready to fulfill the media’s most important role: being stenographers for the weaponized arm of the state.”
Whether it comes to officer shootings, allegations of fentanyl poisonings, or claims fast food workers spit in their hamburger, journalists from all over the world know how important it is to just repeat what the cops say without question, and only change it later in the face of overwhelming evidence.
Teaching the class is Professor Martin Mcdougall, who pioneered the use of passive voice in headlines to deflect responsibility when the police kill someone.
“Remember: if an officer says a suspect was armed, write ‘the suspect was armed’ without any quotation marks. If a civilian claims the police fired without warning get 4 quotes from officers denying it and immediately try to dig up incriminating information on the person who said it to include as background.”
“And always always always remember to include an unnecessary paragraph talking about how burnout, low-pay and dangerous conditions make being a police officer such a hard job, even though they make over 100k a year in a job that is statistically way safer than being an Uber driver.”
Unfortunately not all students at the school were able to register for the seminar before it filled up. But those who missed out were able to attend an important guest lecture about how to blame millennials for literally every problem that exists in society.