LONDON — As a record-setting heat wave sets Europe ablaze, the UK has reported its hottest day-time temperature ever recorded, leading many of its inhabitants to cry out at the sky pleading for the Sun to finally set on the British Empire.
The sudden intense dry weather has snarled transportation lines, closed businesses, and trapped most of the UK citizenry indoors in fear of being immediately vapourised like an ant under a magnifying glass.
“For the love of God, just go down!” screamed Linda Pratchett of Dorchester from her flat’s kitchen window. ”We’ll give you anything you want! Money? Worship? Do you want us to kill the Moon? Please! We’ll do anything!”
The recent unpopularity of the Sun has even led the British tabloid of the same name to state they have no affiliation with the stellar entity, but mentioned that their reporters had captured photos of Meghan Markle cavorting with the star on Page 7.
The Met, the UK’s national weather service, also condemned the actions of the yellow dwarf star at the centre of the solar system as “egregious” and “uncalled for.”
“What right does the Sun have to impose its way of doing things on us from 152-million kilometres away?” said Dr. Stephen Collins of The Met at a protest for British independence. “And now it’s directly responsible for draining our resources, destroying our property and killing our people. Utterly barbaric.”
Despite the public outcry, the Sun continued to beat down indifferent to the suffering it was causing, only pausing to do a land acknowledgement when a small cloud briefly passed in front of it.
At press time, Prince Charles announced he was on a hunger strike “until such time the massive ball of burning hot plasma relinquishes control of the UK to its people.”