WASHINGTON D.C. – In his first hours leading the U.S. response to the COVID-19 pandemic, Mike Pence announced a bold program of conversion therapy to convince infected Americans they don’t …
Tag: Featured Post
US arms doctors to shoot COVID-19 on sight
WASHINGTON – US President Donald Trump has ordered all physicians to immediately shoot COVID-19 wherever the novel coronavirus appears. “We’re going to do a great job killing coronavirus wh…
Leafs scramble to find more heartwarming ways to lose
TORONTO – In the wake of emergency backup goalie David Ayres’ remarkable victory over them, and the subsequent outpouring of affection for him, the Toronto Maple Leafs are trying to c…
Teck pulls application for oil sands mine after finding out about the existence of oil prices
FORT McMURRAY, AB – Teck Resources Ltd have pulled their application to the Canadian government for a massive $20 billion oil sands mine in northern Alberta after a shocking study by the co…
“Blockades will accomplish nothing,” says man who accomplishes nothing
TORONTO – After an exhausting 2 minutes of researching on Twitter, local space occupier Kyle Turner has claimed that the Wet’suwet’en solidarity blockades will accomplish nothing. “I don’t …
Roger Stone sentenced to wait several days for presidential pardon
WASHINGTON, DC – After being found guilty of seven counts of lying to Congress, obstruction and witness tampering, Trump adviser Roger Stone has been sentenced to prison for up to several d…
New Ontario license plates passed rigorous testing by drug dealers in unlit parking lot
TORONTO – The Ontario Minister of Government Services Lisa Thompson responded to critics of the new unreadable Ontario license plate by saying that they were rigorously tested at the Queens…
TTC unveils new elite fare enforcement SWAT team
TORONTO – As part of the war against fare evaders the TTC unveiled its new elite unit of fare enforcers. “Each member of our unit, codenamed the Red Rocket Berets, has extensive train…
Frustrated CN execs complain blockades have delayed dozens of oil tanker derailments
SASKATOON – Executives at CN have demanded the federal government take immediate action against protesters so it can resume derailing oil tankers. The train-wreck industry, a vital componen…
Trudeau: We must acknowledge the sacred sovereignty of Canada’s oil and gas companies
OTTAWA – Calling for calm amid protests over the construction of a pipeline through Wet’suwet’en territory, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is reminding Canadians of the sacred an…
