TORONTO – In the aftermath of the grand opening of a new, high-end Tim Hortons in the heart of Toronto’s financial district, customers have confirmed that it’s definitely just as bad as all the others.
“I was worried that Timmy’s was abandoning its roots to chase a higher class of customer,” said Robert Carmichael. “But I’m pleased to say that it still maintains the poor quality and substandard experience familiar to anyone who settled for less and went to one of the ones connected to a gas station.”
The new location sells products which mirror the latest culinary trends of gourmet coffees and elaborately designed pastries, including nitrogen-infused cold brews and Dream Donuts. However, loyal Tim Hortons patrons need not worry as the new products taste, look, and smell just as awful and godless as classic fare. Initial taste tests among customers have confirmed that the coffee is the same old swill as everyone knows and resents, but fancier.
“Thank goodness that the whole experience is still as soul-destroying as I’m used to,” said Margaret St. Clair, “if I order one of their new Italian Muffuletta Sandwiches out of morbid curiosity, I want to be as disappointed and get as much diarrhea as if I ordered a Turkey Bacon Club from one of the normal locations.”
Executives have also ensured that the garbage experience extends beyond just the food. To accomplish this, the new Tim Hortons is staffed with the same disaffected youth, lit with the same high-intensity, unflattering lighting, and furnished with the same always-kind-of-sticky-but-also-greasy-simultaneously-somehow tables as Canadians typically associate with the restaurant. Also there will still always be a man smoking right next to the entrance door, although now it will be a cigar.
“We thought you can’t put lipstick on a pig until we realized you totally can,” said executive Linda Belarous. “So that’s exactly what we did!”
Tims execs added that they are especially glad they decided to pay thousands for the new lighting fixtures instead of wasting money by giving their employees a living wage.