BURLINGTON, ON – Ignoring their shared dread, local couple Sarah and Aiden Hillson, 31, announced plans Thursday to bring a new human life into the world, despite a nagging foreboding that …
Tag: climate change
Environmentalist pretends to be concerned about Alberta separating
VICTORIA, BC – Following Alberta Premier Danielle Smith’s continued threats about separating from the rest of Canada, local climate change scientist Debra Grimmlet is having a hard ti…
Poilievre promises if elected, climate change will be the least of our worries
OTTAWA – Facing criticism for not having any plans to combat the climate crisis, opposition leader Pierre Poilievre has promised that if he becomes Prime Minister, “the country will b…
Earth’s 2024 life hacks to be the hottest year ever
Earth, Milky Way – Earth has finally revealed the biggest life hacks it’s using to make 2024 its hottest year ever. Earth has taken millennia to develop the ideal morning routine. While it…
Danielle Smith unveils Sovereignty Act Precogs able to tell when federal laws are unconstitutional before they pass
EDMONTON – Alberta Premier Danielle Smith responded to criticism over her use of the Sovereignty Act to try to disqualify federal clean energy regulations that aren’t in place yet by …
Homeowner open to any solution to housing crisis that doesn’t raise property taxes or lower property values
Oakville, ON – Local man Nicholas Burnaby says that, as a homeowner, he would be happy to see any solution implemented that helps people afford to buy and rent necessary housing as long as …
Forest fires across Canada kick off annual Dystopian Hellscape season
QUEBEC CITY – From orange skies at midday and the hacking cough of ash-filled lungs, to hectares of scorched forest and the eerie lingering odour of “downtown ghost campfire,” the familiar …
How to protect yourself from the pollutants in wildfire smoke
Smoke from fires in Ontario, Quebec and Alberta has made their way into cities, where residents are reporting a campfire smell and hazy quality to the atmosphere. Unfortunately this haze carries …
Desperate Nova Scotians sacrifice Theodore Tugboat to raging wildfire
HALIFAX – As multiple wildfires continue to burn across the province, Nova Scotians have decided as a last-ditch effort to sacrifice beloved life-sized children’s character Theodore Tugboat…
How to enjoy “unseasonably warm” days without dreading inevitable doom
Ottawa, ON — As spring unfolds with unprecedented warmth, Canadians might wonder how they can enjoy nice weather, while also understanding it’s a sign that our climate is hurling toward uninhabit…
