Earth’s 2024 life hacks to be the hottest year ever - The Beaverton

Earth’s 2024 life hacks to be the hottest year ever

Earth, Milky Way – Earth has finally revealed the biggest life hacks it’s using to make 2024 its hottest year ever. 

Earth has taken millennia to develop the ideal morning routine. While its alternated cold-hot-cold exposure since the last ice age, it was inspired by TikTok’s #morningroutine influencers to add in some award winning habits. Now when Earth greets each day, it starts by getting some sunshine, hydrating, and smothering its surface with a proprietary cream that is 0.1% CFC-11.

“I started listening to the Huberman Lab podcast and it’s taught me how to become my best self. I’ve started using athletic greens, taking creatine powder, and focusing on my problem areas,” said Earth. “The old Earth was only releasing 250K tons of CO2 into the atmosphere but now I’m doing 70 millions tons. I’ve 280x my results!”

Other planets are shocked by Earth’s recent gains. “For years, I was the hottest planet. I like to say I got it from my Mama, if my Mama was the gas that couldn’t resist the gravitational forces of space dust,” lamented Venus. “Now, Earth is getting 1 degree hotter every year, thanks to sponsorship deals with Cenovus, Imperial Oil and Suncor. I don’t know how I’m supposed to compete and be my hottest self without access to a 5,832 hour per day fossil fuel industry.”

Even humans are taking note of Earth’s increasing hotness. Patrick Dempsey, People’s 2023 Sexiest Man of the Year, is taking this personally. “I hope that People magazine has communicated to Earth that only people are allowed to be the hottest thing of the year,” an angry Dempsey asserted. “Just being hot isn’t enough to be sexy. Sexiness comes from having the whole package, like being a Capricorn, and not just calling a line in space Capricorn.”

Mars is anxiously awaiting Musk to send nukes as the ultimate life hack for increasing hotness.