La Ronde Acquires Scary New Ride: Jacques Cartier Bridge

MONTREAL – If roller coasters like Vertigo, Maniac, and Goliath didn’t make you break out into a cold sweat, La Ronde has a new, scarier ride for you: the Jacques Cartier Bridge. “We’d been…

Excavators to fill Montreal sinkholes

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I would remember more Middle Eastern leaders’ names if they didn’t change so frequently

By Hon. John Baird, Minister of Foreign Affairs Since the beginning of Arab Spring in 2011, people living under the oppression of autocrats and despots in the Middle East have overthrown their le…

Canadians are richer than ever according to new research poll

Canadians are richer than ever, according to Environics research, which calculated that the average household net worth is now over $400,000. What’s your say? “I’m not sure I understand. Can you …

Local father reaches enlightenment while screaming at new computer

HAMILTON, ON – After refusing to read the manual for his new Dell laptop, local senior James Hoffmann achieved a state of nirvana while screaming profanities at the electronic device. “At f…

Study: Half of the bands at Osheaga haven’t even heard of themselves

MONTREAL – Psychologists at McGill University revealed this week that half of the bands coming to this year’s Osheaga Festival are so indie they haven’t even heard of themselves. The festiv…

Ottawa reminds nation that ‘veterans’ are not mentioned in ‘Support our Troops’

OTTAWA – After federal government lawyers argued that the government has no social obligation to veterans, the Minister of Veteran Affairs clarified that the term “veteran” was not contained in t…

Volunteer generously spends average income of a Nicaraguan on trip to help poor Nicaraguans

MANAGUA – After saving up her pay-checks and fundraising, do-gooder Julie Stuart-Labelle has spent the average yearly salary of a Nicaraguan for a three week trip to help the poor of that c…

Toronto police admit the ninth bullet was a bit unnecessary

TORONTO – In response to the fatal shooting of 18 year-old Sammy Yatim on a streetcar this past weekend, Toronto Police Services admitted today that the ninth round fired was a tad unnecess…

Alberta fisherman lands 300 pound ball of tar

LAKE ATHABASCA, AB – After hours of fruitless waiting, Alberta fisherman Darren Rose’s patience was rewarded by the “once-in-a-lifetime” catch of a compacted mass of bitumen sand and fish s…