VANCOUVER – Local tech blogger Scott McGrath has prepared a far more comprehensive plan for a hypothetical zombie pandemic than he ever has or ever will for his own future retirement.
“It’s just something fun to noodle with, you know? Like a cool thought exercise,” said the grown adult man who has never once considered how working in a self-employed field will affect his retirement prospects.
While McGrath has not contributed any funds to his savings account in over 3 years, he did recently purchase an elaborate replica claymore sword, “just in case I need to fight off some ghouls.”
Speaking in his modest one bedroom apartment McGrath shared detailed plans for the rise of the undead, despite zombies being one hundred percent fictional and his retirement being at most 40 years away. These extensive plans included routes out of the metropolitan area he works in, short and long-range weapons he intends to procure, and absolutely no mention of ever visiting a doctor to check if his cholesterol is within acceptable limits.
Though Perkins displayed doodles of “a pretty rad modified armored bank truck,” he offered zero opinions on whether he would prefer moving to Florida, or living in a retirement home. When pressed to elaborate on any research he had done for his own real life future, McGrath was quick to answer.
“I really like World War Z, Walking Dead, and even hidden gems like the 2009 Norwegian film Dead Snow,” said the 32-year-old man who does not know what an RSP is.
Still, after outlining a plan for his own future that focuses entirely on avoiding fictional monsters, and not at all on his own financial, physical, or emotional well being, McGrath took a moment to look at the big picture.
“People in zombie movies usually don’t make it because they never stopped to think ahead. The last thing I’d ever want is to go out like that.”