YOKOHAMA, JAPAN – An alarming new report suggests that the effects of catastrophic climate change could ultimately impact the way humans consume products and respond to advertising.
“For years scientists have been verifying with sound research and irrefutable physical evidence that the levels of carbon in the Earth’s atmosphere are spiraling out of control. But we now have demonstrated that the effects of climate change are tangibly inconveniencing consumers,” said University of Manitoba economist Stefanie Mbeke. “Oh and poor people will die.”
The language was bold and chilling, asserting that as temperatures rise an estimated 3.5 to 4 degrees Celsius by 2100, it will become increasingly difficult to keep a comfortable temperature at our favourite shopping malls and chain restaurants. An algorithm predicts a reduction in fifteen to twenty percent of Boston Pizza and Wild Wing locations over the next decade.
“We can expect audiences for big events like the NASCAR Indy 500 and American Idol finale to drop, as the homes and TV sets of viewers are destroyed by flooding, wildfires, and desertification,” said lead author Guraptar Najur. “The next generation could be the first to see a Super Bowl delayed.”
Entertainment will not be the only affected industry: as we enter the first mass extinction caused by human activity, the large scale reduction of biodiversity in plant and animal species could make it more difficult to develop new flavours of soft drinks and types of X-treme jerky.
Despite the disturbing predictions, Najur maintains the study has a message of hope.
“As arctic ice levels begin to decrease, we will see increased access to shipping routes, minerals and fossil fuels. And as income inequality and wealth consolidation continue on pace, those with the most purchasing power will have a great opportunity to really torch this fucker for at least a ten or twelve more years before society collapses.”
Prime Minister Harper’s Conservative government has hailed the report as the most significant research on climate change ever completed.
