Meth dealer this year’s most popular costume for under 13s
New Glasgow, NS — All hallow’s eve is looking to be bathed in a sea of yellow hazmat suits and bowler hats as the most sought after costume for children 13-and-under is a meth dealer.…
Everyone you hate is excited about the Entourage movie
CANADA – A brief look over your social media platforms has confirmed that everyone you find personally repellent is looking forward to the movie spinoff of the TV show Entourage. “Bro, Siii…
Caught up in hype campaign for ‘Reflektor’, Arcade Fire realizes they forgot to record an album
MONTREAL – Arcade Fire’s lead singer Win Butler has admitted that the hype campaign in the lead up to his band’s latest album, “Reflektor”, was so intense that they didn’t have time to rec…
Child expresses love to parents with shitty portrait of family
Stoney Creek, ON – A local 5-year old boy disappointed his parents by giving them a poor artistic depiction of the family. Tommy Cobbler finished the work in his senior kindergarten class a…
Spooky Harper government opens haunted House of Commons
OTTAWA – Lineups have already begun to form in front of the Parliament buildings after Prime Minister Harper’s midnight announcement that the terrifying haunted House of Commons would…
Local man hoping to be more successful on LinkedIn than Match.com
Brampton, ON – As he waits for the employment offers to come flooding in, Ryan Guthrie, who has been dateless on Match.com for three years, hopes that LinkedIn is an easier nut to crack. “I…
Chris Hadfield ejected from movie theatre for loudly heckling Gravity
WATERLOO, ON – Responding to numerous patron complaints, the staff of the Empire Theatres Waterloo reportedly removed famed Canadian astronaut Chris Hadfield after he would not stop heckling a sc…
Petition calls for modernization of National Anthem
A group of petitioners, including Margaret Atwood, have been calling for the Canadian National Anthem to be modernized, such as by making the lyrics gender neutral. What’s your say? “Sure, becaus…
Stephen Harper loses virginity
OTTAWA – After a wild night of tea and overly competitive Boggle, Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper retired to his residence at 24 Sussex Drive with his wife Laureen, where he made lov…
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