OTTAWA – Following an aggravating conversation with representatives from the leading internet, TV, and cellphone provider, the CTRC has decided to ban the required 30-day notice period for switc...
Only high school football player without concussion clearly not trying hard enough
CHATHAM, ON – While his high school team made the playoffs, a grade 11 linebacker has shown little effort in scoring a concussion this season. 16 year-old Chad Donaldson has repeatedly missed op...
Man who has never been to independent bookstore furious over its closing
VICTORIA, B.C. – Local man Stephen Dewitt is reportedly furious over the closing of independent bookstore ‘Moby Dickens’ despite having never financially supported the business in any form. “Oh ...
White guy at party doesn’t need blackface to prove he’s racist
ST. CATHARINES – A local Caucasian man feels no need to make an effort by wearing blackface at a costume party to prove that he is a bigot. “What a bunch of amateurs,” Daniel Ivor, 21, muttered ...
Bank of Canada Governor asks unemployed youth if they’ve considered serfdom
OTTAWA – With youth unemployment skyrocketing across Canada, Bank of Canada Governor Stephen Poloz is recommending that young people consider the ancient feudal status of serfdom to boost their career...
Stock market soars after banking cartel promises to keep pretending economy is real
Investors poured cash into the markets as central bank leaders from around the world met this week and announced that they would continue to maintain the illusion that the economic system was somethin...
Manitoba Premier now accepting applications for Finance Minister on Craigslist
WINNIPEG – After the resignation of five cabinet ministers in protest, Manitoba Premier Greg Selinger is attracting the very best replacements with job advertisements on Craigslist. The online p...
Local insomniac having hard time appreciating end to daylight savings
PERTH, ON – Local insomniac Evan Sampson is having difficulty appreciating the end of Daylight Savings time, which grants him an additional hour in his day. “Why?” asked a visibly di...
Man suffocates to death in Mike Duffy mask
HALIFAX, NS – Tragedy struck a Halloween party in downtown Halifax last night. Joe Wallis, who was dressed up as Mike Duffy was pronounced dead after suffocating in his mask. “We believe that th...
Children rejoice after woman who handed out raisins for Halloween dies
BARRIE – Local children are celebrating after learning that the widow who keeps giving them raisins for Halloween has died. “Alright, she’s dead!” rejoiced nine-year old Jackson LeMay wearing a ...
