Study: Coffee drinkers more likely to live longer lives, but die at a younger age

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A groundbreaking study from the Harvard School of Public Health revealed that coffee drinkers are more likely to live longer lives, but will die at a younger age. “We have r…

Montrealers say they will still pass out drunk at 2:30 AM no matter what time the bars close

MONTREAL – In response to the City’s plan to keep bars open until 6 am, Montrealers have stated that they’re still going to black out before 3 am anyway. “We love to party here,”…

Report: Donald Sterling does literally the only thing an NBA owner can’t do

LOS ANGELES – Sources inside the NBA head office have stated that the league is furious that L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling, having allegedly been caught on tape making racist comments…

Cigarette butt named official flower of Montreal

MONTREAL – Canada’s second largest city is adopting the common cigarette butt as its official flower emblem. The City of Montreal selected the cigarette butt since they are the most common …

Thousands of Nintendo Power Gloves, severed hands, found in New Mexico landfill

ALAMOGORDO, N.M. — As a documentary crew searched the Alamogordo Landfill for long-lost copies of the Atari 2600 game E.T. The Extraterrestrial, a separate documentary crew has discovered hundred…

Harper apologizes for his children’s behaviour, was unaware that alcohol existed

Prime Minister Harper apologized today for the drinking that caused a young woman to be hospitalized during his son Ben’s 18th birthday party on Wednesday, explaining he would never had allowed i…

Killer whale brought to justice

SEA OF JAPAN – After following a thirty-year long trail of slain fish, squid and seals, the crew of the whaler Pekuad Maru say that an infamous killer whale has been brought to justice. “Th…

Report: ‘Hello Kitty’ actually best possible outcome of Kroeger/Lavigne collaboration

TORONTO – According to a recent study from the University of Toronto Faculty of Music, Avril Lavigne’s derided single “Hello Kitty” is, “when you think about it, literally the best thing th…

McDonald’s Canada CEO fired, replaced by temporary foreign worker

TORONTO – After calling reports that McDonald’s uses foreign labour “bullshit”, CEO John Betts has been let go and replaced with a temporary foreign worker. “We decided that Joh…

Drake pretty sure Raptors’ coach will put him in next game

TORONTO – In the lead up to the next Raptors playoff game, rap-artist Drake has been telling friends and family that he has “a pretty good shot” of getting some playing time. &#…