TORONTO – Despite describing himself as a generally caring and empathic person, local man Derek Li is fully willing to crush a human infant to death with his feet if it means catching his train.
“Look, I understand that babies have a right to exist,” said Li, whose pets are all adopted from the humane society. “But that doesn’t mean I won’t waste them, if they make me do it.”
Since the start of the month, Li has had to make a meaningful effort of will to not flip over and charge through baby carriages that stood between him and the door of the train on at least six occasions.
“Something about rush hour just changes Derek,” said Monica Chapman, a friend of Li’s from the soup kitchen where he volunteers. “Once I saw him shoulder-check somebody’s grandmother into a pillar, just so that he could be the first one to get on board a mostly empty car.”
Although Li works as a pediatric nurse and spends most of his spare time nurturing injured animals back to health, sources say he is also the sort of person who puts his bag on the seat next to him, even when the train is full.
“There’s no way that that person spends most of his disposable income on nutritious meals for the homeless,” said a woman on the train about Li, who spends most of his disposable income on nutritious meals for the homeless. “He just called a toddler the N-word.”
While it remains unclear whether a person can be really called ‘good’ if they turn into a complete monster at the first sign of crisis, Li claims that none of the fault is his.
“I’m not the one who’s blocking the flow of traffic,” said Li, using a pen to scrape congealed blood off of the sole of his shoe. “Have some compassion for the people waiting to get aboard.”
