House Republicans sue Obama for emotional distress brought on by his presidency

WASHINGTON D.C. – Leaders of the Congressional Republicans recently announced their intention to commence a lawsuit against President Barack Obama over the severe psychological harm and anx…

Local couple replaces sex with Netflix

TORONTO – Local couple Mark Lui and Shelby Hollande have begun substituting sex with streaming film and television on Netflix. Said 32-year-old Shelby, “When we first moved in together 5 ye…

Neymar injures 4th vertebrae after helping father carry heavy bags of cash

São Paulo, BRAZIL – Brazilian football sensation Neymar suffered another setback yesterday after the forward injured his fourth vertebrae helping his father carry large bags of cash. Neymar…

Red Hot Chili Peppers write coherent song lyric

After 20 years and millions of albums sold, Grammy winning recording artists The Red Hot Chili Peppers have written their first ever song lyric that actually makes sense. “It all started wh…

Dec. 6, 1917: Halifax explosion tragically delays shipment of military explosives

HALIFAX — An explosive collision between a Norwegian vessel and the SS Mont-Blanc, a munitions ship bound for France, has resulted in the tragic loss of countless high-powered military explosives…

Calgary Stampede hot dogs made from last year’s chuckwagon race losers

CALGARY – Spectators at this year’s Calgary Stampede can now enjoy a variety of hot dogs, sausages and hamburgers made entirely from the horses who lost last year’s chuckwagon races. “Many …

Iqaluit hoping massive dump fire will alert rest of nation to perpetual, massive dump fire

IQALUIT — As of earlier today, local officials were hoping that the city’s massive dump fire, which has been raging for more than six weeks now, will act as a distress signal alerting the federal…

Paul Bernardo’s fiancée: He’s not that creepy by online dating standards

LONDON, ON – Convicted serial killer Paul Bernardo’s fiancée confirmed today that he was the least creepy man she had met online. “Since he can only access the prison computer for an hour a…

Quebec commends public for lackluster Canada Day celebrations

MONTREAL – The Quebec government is thanking its citizens for the uninspiring Canada Day celebrations that occurred throughout the province earlier this week. “I want to take a moment…

Globe and Mail fence actually just to keep Margaret Wente out

TORONTO – After a chain-link fence was spotted under construction outside their headquarters, The Globe and Mail issued a statement clarifying that the fence was merely the latest tactic th…