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Study: It’s not what you know, it’s who you know that’s rich

VANCOUVER – Researchers at the University of British Columbia have completed a study proving that knowledge, skill, and accreditation are meaningless in the face of how many wealthy people you know personally.

“As far as indicators of success go, hard work and intelligence certainly don’t hurt, per se,” said lead researcher Dr. Melvin Turmen. “It’s just that they are quite minor factors when compared to knowing a bunch of wealthy people. Really, it’s no contest.”

“For example, two of our subjects were Frank and Bill. Frank worked two jobs for over twenty years, and was the highest performing employee in the whole company. Bill just kind of hung around with a bunch of people who had this patent application in the works, and they gave him part of the ownership. Bill is now worth 2 billion dollars and Frank’s new third job is cleaning Bill’s pool.”

Turmen and the rest of his team went on to outline the various levels of “knowing rich people”, or the Wealth Proximity Index (WPI), and how they influence success outcomes. These levels range from:

Wealth Proximity Index                               Likelihood of Success

Being born rich                                                     99.9%

Parents having rich friends                                      70.3%

Having your own rich friends                                   63.3%

Sleeping with a rich person                                     37.4%

Swapping lives with a rich guy, ala “Trading Places”     8.0%

4.0 GPA                                                               0.4%

The team was also quick to distance themselves from the popular adage, “It’s not what you know, it’s who you know”. Turmen explained, “We are not discouraging people from knowing people, or forming lasting relationships with friends and family. If that’s your thing, go nuts”. He continued, “We’re simply pointing out that, unless those individuals have at least 2 commas in their bank account, preferably more, then you’re basically wasting your time.”

The study went on to prove that the old saying, “fake it ‘til you make it” is technically accurate, provided you already possess a minimum personal holding of $400,000.00

BREAKING: We wrote a fucking book