Mayor-elect Olivia Chow currently riding bike to go do donuts on Doug Ford’s lawn
TORONTO – Following her victory in last night’s citywide election, mayor elect Olivia Chow has announced that her first order of business will be to ride her bike directly to Etobicok…
NHL honours its best by forcing them to listen to D-List celebrities mispronounce their names
NASHVILLE – After another successful season, the NHL will be celebrating its best players in traditional fashion, by making them sit in a crowded auditorium while a collection of obscure Am…
Report: Boyfriend wants to try something called “platypus style”
CALGARY – Local sources state that Martin Walsh is hoping to add some excitement to his relationship by convincing his girlfriend to do it platypus style. “We’ve been in a bit of a rut lately,” W…
Quiz: Who should you vote for in Toronto’s Mayoral Race
It’s sex scandal caused election day in Toronto! The city is ready to move on from legendary horn dog John Tory and install a new Strong Mayor. But which of the 500 candidates deserves your…
Ford warns Chow mayoralty will cause Toronto’s collapse, also cause last 13 years of collapse
TORONTO – As she swears in as Mayor, Ontario Premier Doug Ford is warning that Olivia Chow will not only lead to devastation for the city, but also lead to the previous 13 years of collapse…
RCMP: Anti-trans protesters aren’t being removed from highway overpass because laws only apply to people we don’t like
NORTH VANCOUVER – Six weeks after the Supreme Court of British Columbia banned a group of anti-trans and anti-vaccine protesters from holding a dangerous, months-long demonstration on a hig…
Editorial: With news blocked on Facebook, we the Beaverton are now the sole arbiters of truth
By The Beaverton Editorial Staff, aka Supreme Rulers of Truth and Fact Greetings subjects! As you may have read, back in the Before Times when factual news articles weren’t yet banned from this s…
Toddler more excited to see garbage truck than own father
OSHAWA – Pete Flannigan, father to three-year-old Luca, returned home last night to a crushing realization; his son is more excited to see a vehicle hauling fifteen tons of stinking garbage…
Pierre Poilievre vows to hold Trudeau accountable for Taylor Swift leaving Canada out of tour dates
OTTAWA – After Canadians were left devastated yesterday to learn that Taylor Swift’s massively anticipated Eras international tour wouldn’t be making any stops in Canada, Conservative leade…
Local woman makes hating Canada her entire personality, wins Alberta election
EDMONTON – A local woman who has made hating Canada her entire personality has become Premier of Alberta after winning the provincial election. Danielle Smith, a lifelong Canadian citizen b…
