CBC Execs: Four sexual assaults is one too many

TORONTO – At a press conference today CBC executives announced that Jian Ghomeshi was fired after it was revealed that up to four women have accused him of sexual assault or sexual harassme…

Harper: ‘We will not let terrorism stop us from taking away your rights’

OTTAWA – At a press conference today Prime Minister Stephen Harper stated that his government would not let terrorist acts intimidate him from taking away Canadians’ civil liberties. “Terro…

Doug Ford announces plans to return to role as bully in 80s teen comedy

TORONTO – Following the Toronto mayoral election, second place candidate Doug Ford has announced plans to return to his prior position as the preppy bully in the 1987 film Ski Dudes 2: Back to th…

Toronto elects first white male mayor in four years

TORONTO – After an historical election, Toronto has chosen its first wealthy, white male mayor in nearly half a decade. “I thought I would never see this day,” said a teary eyed business ex…

BREAKING: Last minute door handle flyer for lesser known candidate definitely going to affect local voter

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John Tory strategically votes for John Tory

TORONTO – Toronto mayoral candidate John Tory has chosen not to vote for his first choice for mayor and voted for himself instead. “It was a tough decision, but we can’t afford another four…

TORONTO 2014: The Beaverton’s Guide to voting in a way that pleases our advertisers

Our handy voter’s guide is designed to avoid political ideology and help you make non-partisan choices based on who will benefit us most through advertising and sponsorship deals. MAYOR SPOT OLIV…

Government reassures Muslim Canadians they will not be treated like Aboriginals

TORONTO – In the wake of two terrorist attacks within one week, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has reassured the Muslim community that the government will not take away their rights as they …

Reporters worried nation of Vimy Ridge, Kandahar has lost its innocence

OTTAWA – According to numerous international columnists, the recent murder of soldier Nathan Cirillo and the subsequent shootout in Parliament have caused the nation of Canada, which has fo…

NFL successfully raises awareness about biggest threat to women, other than players

NEW YORK – The NFL has declared themselves victorious in this month’s Pink Ribbon campaign to raise awareness about breast cancer, a disease that poses the biggest threat to women’s h…