SYRIA – After nearly three weeks straight of destroying artwork, murdering innocent civilians, and unlawfully annexing territory, ISIS soldiers Dafiq al-Adnani and Labid al-Tikriti relaxed by destroying a cute brunch spot in Mosul.
“Most of my life is dedicated to the massacre of all those who oppose the caliphate and the destruction of any form of idolatry,” explained al-Adnani. “But Sunday afternoon? That’s ‘me’ time.”
The lovely decor and adorable tables of Aunty Amara’s enthralled the two militants, who say they rarely get a chance to go out and devastate something this quaint.
“Usually it’s priceless historical artifacts or, you know, human lives,” said al-Tikriti as he smashed the front window with a rifle butt. “This place is different though. It’s so wonderfully low key and quirky. They have the most endearing doilies to burn!”
Al-Adnani and al-Tikriti often plan outings with each other when their schedules allow. In October they took a day trip to smash a local antiques shop and they have plans to hit the beach in July to spend time incinerating their favourite summer reads.
“You might not think it, but our jobs are really stressful,” said al-Adnani. “Sometimes we just need to kick back with some mimosas, then light the mimosas on fire, then throw the mimosas through the window of a church.”
“It’s the simple things.”
At press time, the militants were mixing work and pleasure by destroying a Jewish deli across the street.
