Global warming causes last of Dali clocks to melt
NEW YORK, NY – A wealth of statistical evidence has impelled scientists at Columbia University to blame man-made climate change on the liquefication of the final clock in Salvador Dalí’s renowned…
Bill Cosby on rape allegations: ‘Dozens and dozens of women just say the darndest things’
The star of hit 80s sitcom The Cosby Show accused of drugging and sexually assaulting a long list of women has stated that his accusers ‘say the darndest things.’ “Oh wow! Grown women just say th…
Harper signs trade agreement with Fourth Circle of Hell
HELL – Prime Minister Stephen Harper has signed a landmark trade agreement between Canada and Hell’s layer reserved for greedy, hoarding souls. The agreement was signed by Harper and Hell’s…
Charles Manson is getting married and I’m still single, even after I murdered all those people
BY DAVID ALAN RUSKIN Well ain’t that just a kick in the pants? 80 year old convicted murderer and cult leader Charles Manson – yes, that Charles Manson – is engaged to marry an attrac…
Lost tribes of Amazon now ordering from Amazon
ENVIRA RIVER, BRAZIL — In a statement yesterday, representatives from the Ashaninka tribe located in a remote region of the Amazon rainforest announced to reporters that they had begun ordering i…
Harper tells Putin to ‘get out of Ukraine’
At the G20 Conference in Australia last weekend, Prime Minister Harper had a brief showdown with Russian President Vladimir Putin, telling him to “Get out of Ukraine.” What’s your say? “So…
Saskatchewan newlyweds fined for not wearing Roughriders jerseys in wedding photos
CARNDUFF, SK – Newlyweds Aimee and Nigel Toupin received a hefty fine from the provincial government this week for not wearing Saskatchewan Roughriders jerseys in any of their wedding photo…
Harper lights ceremonial tire fire at annual Chinese pollution festival
BEIJING – After being praised for his commitment to environmental catastrophe, Stephen Harper kicked the annual Festival of the Polluted Moon off by throwing a bag of flaming garbage into a…
Parents throw jerseys onto ice frustrated with struggling Timbits hockey team
PARRY SOUND – A struggling amateur hockey team for five and six year-olds has been dealt another blow after their disillusioned parents began throwing their Timbits fan jerseys onto the ice…
Leader of rat colony disgusted by TTC overcrowding
TORONTO – After being displaced by the continuing construction work at Toronto’s Union station, the leader of Ontario’s largest rat colony today expressed his disgust at the current level o…
