OTTAWA – In one of the most glamorous events of Ottawa’s annual social calendar, Immigration minister Chris Alexander has chosen by lottery which ethnic group will no longer be welcome in Canada.
“The Romani have had a good run, but it’s time to select a new nationality to tie up in red tape for years at a time,” said Alexander, rolling up his sleeve and waggling his fingers over a giant fishbowl full of paper slips. “Who will they be? Will they be black, brown, asian, or even a less-desirable kind of white? Only the goddess Chance can know.”
Sources inside the Ministry of Citizenship and Immigration say that nationalities have their names put into the fishbowl based on such scientific criteria as anecdotal evidence from Alexander’s European friends, and whether or not their skulls have enough ridges.
“The Romani went in the fishbowl after Chris and I watched The Hunchback of Notre-Dame together,” said Prime Minister Harper, watching the draw from the non-second-class-citizens section. “But Angela’s been saying some interesting things about Greeks this year, so it’s anybody’s game.”
“If only there were only some way to stop First Nations people from immigrating.”
Although Alexander’s decision to begin the gala with a ten-minute clip of Russell Peters’ stand-up was greeted with uproarious laughter and applause, the evening took on a more sober tone as the actual draw approached.
“And the winner is . . . drumroll please . . .” said Alexander, reaching into the fishbowl. “Well, what- I- this is unprecedented! Look at that, all the pieces of paper are stuck together somehow, this year’s excluded ethnic group- it’s all of them!”
“I guess the true winners of this year’s draw are Real Canadians.”
At press time, the Conservatives had begun investigating the refugee claims of animals in the nation’s zoos, after questioning how much persecution they really faced from poachers.
