Quebec judge will sentence defendants to the fullest extent of being Muslim

MONTREAL – After denying to hear a case of a woman simply because she was wearing a hijab, Judge Eliana Marengo has vowed to sentence lawbreakers according to how Muslim they are. “My inter…

120 year-old time capsule reveals Ottawa just as boring as it is now

OTTAWA – After being hidden away for years in Parliament, a time capsule filled with aging artifacts has revealed that Ottawa was just dull and uninteresting as it is now. The capsule, whic…

Conservative civil servant has a deep mistrust in self

OTTAWA – A public servant for the federal government and card carrying Conservative Party member has a deep lack of trust in himself and the job that he works at. Larry Carmichael states hi…

Report: dime still not subway token

TORONTO – Despite being certain that he had finally found the missing subway token in his jacket pocket, local man Ryan Malan discovered it was, yet again, nothing but a dime. “I looked in …

Police unearth extended metaphor for student debt near York U Campus

TORONTO – An underground emblem for university arrears and the difficulty of paying them off has been discovered near the Rexall Centre at York University. According to authorities, the symbol is…

Government asks child pornographers to hold off until they balance budget

OTTAWA – In light of the $10 million in cuts to the RCMP’s anti-child pornography agenda, the Conservative government is asking pedophiles to lay off for a bit while they balance the books.…

Ezra Levant says key to new network’s success will be keeping cats out of living room

Since the downfall of The Sun News Network, conservative commentator Ezra Levant has announced that he will launch The Rebel, an online media network, from his living room as soon as he can get h…

Strip searches allowed in Quebec schools so long as staff respectfully compliment students’ sexiness

Following a report in a Montréal newspaper about a 15-year-old who was searched for drugs, Quebec Education Minister Yves Bolduc has said high school staff are permitted to strip-search students,…

RCMP arrest radical eco-terrorists planting trees 50 km from pipeline

PRINCE GEORGE – RCMP have arrested seven radicalized eco-terrorists in connection to a plot to plant trees near an oil sands pipeline. The trees were said to pose as a barricade to future p…

Feds: Lululemon pants banned at citizenship ceremonies, hides women’s true shape

OTTAWA – Citizenship Minister Chris Alexander has declared all women wearing Lululemon pants will be prohibited from taking their citizenship oath stating that the pants clearly cover up th…