Ted Rogers statue receives better police treatment than actual human women

TORONTO – Following an incident in which police visited a man who jokingly threatened to tear down the Ted Rogers statue, Toronto police have warned citizens that they take online threats o…

‘GOP polls that dismissed Trump were laughable’ says Democrat whose polls dismiss Trump

WASHINGTON, D.C. – While mocking 2015 polls that said Donald Trump couldn’t possibly win the GOP nomination, DNC political operative Colin McCallum maintained that his own internal polls sh…

Nation worried about spying, says CSIS review of private correspondences

OTTAWA – An in-depth survey by the Canadian Security Intelligence Service has found Canadians are deeply troubled by the idea of mass surveillance, according to their personal letters and d…

Local couple buys last affordable piece of non-haunted Toronto real estate

TORONTO – A local couple has purchased Toronto’s last piece of real estate that could reasonably be maintained by an average-income family, that is also free of tormented spirits. “We…

Mississauga woman wins largest ever Lotto 649 jackpot, can finally move to Toronto

MISSISSAUGA — A Mississauga woman has won a $64,000,000 lottery jackpot, finally affording her the financial freedom to actually purchase property in Toronto. The winner couldn’t believe he…

Trudeaus smuggle bag of tangerines back over border

After crossing the Canada Border on their return trip from the state dinner at the White House, sources confirm that Justin and Sophie Trudeau successfully transported a bag of tangerines past Cu…

Canadian Screen Awards occur

TORONTO – Scattered reports coming in from across the country appear to verify that the Canadian Screen Awards happened last night in Toronto, putting to rest modest public speculation. Although …

6-year-old staying on no-fly list until involvement in 9/11 ruled out

MARKHAM, ON. – After reviewing the case of 6-year-old Syed Adam Ahmed, Public Safety Minister Ralph Goodale says he will remain on the no fly list until it is ‘rock solid’ that he was not i…

TTC introduces surcharge on 6 am to 11 pm rush period

TORONTO – In order to meet its budgetary demands, the Toronto Transit Commission announced that it will be increasing its fares starting next week, but only for the rush 17-hours that last …

Canadian Screen Awards deliver more glamour with addition of new cash bar

TORONTO – In an effort to take on some of the pomp and glitz of other international award ceremonies, the Canadian Screen Awards has unveiled a new cash bar, a move that organizers say is s…