Cheryl from the office prints out all her emails, 11.5 million documents of Panama Papers

OTTAWA — Upon hearing about the Panama Papers scandal, Cheryl from the office loaded all 11.5 million leaked documents up on her computer, but became frustrated when the formatting got “won…

Local dad starts work on emergency backup porch

KINGSTON – Local dad Henry Spurlock has begun construction on an auxiliary porch to be deployed in case of a major failure in the current primary porch. “So far the primary porch has operat…

Hardcover edition of Naomi Klein’s ‘Shock Doctrine’ currently ahead in NDP leadership poll

OTTAWA — A poll released today on the NDP leadership race shows that a hardcover copy of Naomi Klein’s bestselling books in hardcover, ‘The Shock Doctrine: The Rise of Disaster Capitalism’,…

Guy taking up three seats on train must be really important

TORONTO – This afternoon an unnamed man on the TTC left other commuters in awe, as they wondered how important he must be to need a full three seats on the train. “Maybe he’s so…

Making playoffs forces Phil Kessel to cancel annual fishing trip

A distraught Phil Kessel was forced to cancel his annual fishing trip with his buddies yesterday after the Pittsburgh Penguins made the NHL playoffs despite his best efforts. “I was pretty hopefu…

Feds announce all social programs to be paid for by Uncle Roy’s tax dollars

OTTAWA – In a bold move, finance minister Bill Morneau has announced that all of the Liberal government’s new social programming will be paid for personally by the tax dollars of Uncle Roy.…

Tories blast Trudeau for not having offshore shell corporation

OTTAWA – The Conservative Party expressed outrage this morning that Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was not one of the many world leaders recently exposed by the Panama Papers as having a pri…

Justin Trudeau slings yoga mat over shoulder, whispers “Namaste” sensually in your ear

OTTAWA — Reports have come in that after toweling off his rippling yoga abs, Justin Trudeau gracefully picked up his eco-friendly mat and set your body ablaze by whispering “Namaste” sensua…

Hero dog wins award for bravery, despite not even knowing that he exists

OTTAWA – Pixie, a four-year-old army dog, has been awarded the Dickin Medal for bravely serving in military conflict, despite the fact that, as a dog, he has no concept of sacrifice, duty, or sel…

Winter boyfriends released back into the wild

DAWSON, YT — With the arrival of spring in Canada’s North, males nesting with females are cast off into the unknown dating environment in a seasonal phenomenon known as the “Spr…