TORONTO – BMW driver Troy Landau says he has discovered the secret to a long life, viewing each day as a gift in which he has the chance to scream profanities at somebody he has never screamed at before.
“Honestly, it’s changed my life–OH, SHIT-PISS, MOVE, WIDE-ASS! GO! GO! GO!” said Landau while stopped at a red light. He shook his head, remembering a sadder time when he had to go a full day without the threat of a fist fight.
He is eager to share his new philosophy with the world. He says what started as a series of scatter-shot outbursts of rage, has become an organized system by which he has divided society into a handful of easily identifiable groups.
“Before, I was in a stage I call ‘Baby School’, you know, obey the rules, share, all that stuff–I was slowly dying, basically. Now I live in ‘Prison Riot’, which–ASSHOLE! YEAH, YOU, PISS-ANT! OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!!–which has truly made me appreciate the little things.”
Landau says there are several stages between the early confusion of Baby School and the full enlightenment of Prison Riot: “Most people reside on the ‘Schoolyard Bully-to-Coked Up Financial Guy’ spectrum. My goal is to get everyone to elevate themselves. Just breathe, reflect, and snap off a rear view mirror in a full-on tantrum.”
In explaining his method, Landau reveals there are many techniques used to ensure one is heard coherently by all people travelling at all speeds. With pedestrians it is a matter of timing (“I can roll down my window and get a full ‘eat my ass off, shit-for-brains’ to someone on the sidewalk”); and being heard by other drivers a question technology.
“I got this installed last September and it’s been a godsend,” Landau said, indicating a PA speaker on the roof of his M5 that connects to a microphone inside. “With this bad boy, anyone within fifty feet can hear me, windows up or not. I blew a cyclist clean off his bike yesterday. I had to pull over and cry, it was so beautiful.”
Landau caps his daily bellowing rituals by giving a full recap to whoever will listen upon arrival at his destination. He most recently told the receptionist at his dentist that she “would not believe what some fuckface did on the way here.”
Landau said he wasn’t sure where things would take him next, but revealed he is currently working on a self-help book entitled Zen and the Art of Bile-Spewing Rage.