BANCROFT, ON – Decked out in camouflage pants, wraparound sunglasses and a fresh bicep tattoo, local badass Dave Kringler is ready to rock and roll the exact moment ISIS gives him a reason to.
“Let me be loud and clear,” said Kringler, in a YouTube video addressed personally to the small, hyper-religious state on the opposite side of the world. “ISIS is not welcome here, and if you show your faces, then we will teach you exactly what the real meaning is of who you’re dealing with.”
“This is your only warning,” Kringler added, in one of several follow-up videos.
While some question why Kringler, who manages a Coffee Time, should be the one to deliver the nation’s ultimatum to a hostile foreign power, friends and family maintain he’s been training for this his entire life.
“I wouldn’t mess around with Dave if I were ISIS, I’ll tell you that for free,” said Kringler’s friend Preston, spitting chewing tobacco into a water bottle. “Ever since we were kids, I said to him, Dave, when the time comes, I’ll stand with you in honour against the forces of darkness.”
Since Kringler filmed himself shooting a cardboard box with a hunting rifle, there have been no ISIS attacks on Canadian soil.
“That’s what I thought, ISIS,” said Kringler in his latest video, breathing very heavily. “But just in case you get any other ideas, here’s a ten minute clip of me training with a butterfly knife in my driveway.”
This is Kringler’s greatest accomplishment since he used Twitter to prevent the return of communism.
